Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Doesn’t cottage cheese kind of look like the worlds largest and most disgusting load of baby batter you’ve ever seen? It looks like Jesus took a day off, went to a novelty lounge, scrounged for some hot ass and dumped the worlds largest load EVER in a bowl. MMMM it’s rich and creamy and my stomach craves it! Thanks Jesus!

I love when you see someone that’s so drunk you can actually tell what they’re thining just from studying their facial expressions. My personal favorite is the “Ugh, I’m too drunk to stand, I wish I could just make it to the bathroom to hurl all over myself and whatever stupid CUNT is in there! Ugh, if only I could get my one foot in front of the other and end it all. End my fucking life. God damnit why can’t I get laid? Shit i’m fucking pathetic. I’ll just keep drinking until I can’t feel myself. Until I no longer breathe. I hope I just wake up tomorrow and I don’t have a clue where I am. Wait, oh yeah, here it comes, BLAHHHHHFFGHTELRJFOW!!! Whelp…time to go…” That’s got to be my favorite facial expression of ALL TIME!

I think it would be kind of cool for our dollar to completely reverse places in the world’s currency exchange. Like how the Japanese Yen is like 1,000 yen to our  $1 USD. I’d much rather have $1,000 USD that equal 1 Yen. Then we would totally have more. Isn’t bigger better? Yah that’s right. I’ll be president some day. Or at least the voice inside my ass thinks so.

Some blues is cool. Some blues is dumpster; and by dumpster- I mean some stupid chick pretending she’s got a bad-ass voice while she spews diahrrea out of her mouth. That kind of blues belongs in the speakers of rest stop stalls. 

I recently had three guys tell me @ work in Mickey’s Place, Cooperstown NY, that they wanted engraved bats. All three wanted the same engraving: “Roid To Heaven, Coops 2008.” What in the FUCK does that even mean? Either A) They’re retarded, B) They’ve never heard of word association, or C) They’re fuckin’ retarded. Not to mention I also recently had to engrave a Fraternity Bat with the year and initials of the pledges. I wanted to make that bat just about as much as I would like fire to blow out of each hole in my body while my skin slowly started to melt and fall off my disintigrating bones. Fuckin’ Fags. I hope they took turns slowly inserting and rotating that bat as far up each others’ asses as humanly possible; afterwards, they’re insides rotted from AIDS. Yeah I think it’s fair to say I think they sucked.

On that happy note, I’d like to take the time to wish everybody a happy weekend and a fun April Fools day to come! Don’t forget the all-too-familiar plastic-wrap-on-the-toilet- seat-trick. Gag, that’s a hoot! I just hope mom doesn’t punch me in the face again this year…

Weird-Al-Wank-A-Bitch Meets Fourty-Seven Chromosomes

I just recently had a guy tell me he had no idea what make of car his rental was when he checked in. I find this not only unbelievable, but particularly representative of how the world works. Either this dude had no short term memory, like Leonard from the all-to-familiar movie of Memento, he was retarded, or he simply just doesn’t give a fuck about money, what he’s doing, where he’s going, or who he is. I don’t care how much money somebody makes, or where they come from, but to simply not notice, or care about simple details in life like, what fucking make or model of the rental your spending hundreds of dollars on is, is just disgusting. I’m glad I’m not that nieve and blahze about the minor details in my life – such as how huge shit can come out of my ass and A) why it doesn’t hurt, B) its amazing ability to camouflage itself with its environment.

I wish Glaceau- makers of Vitamin Water, would battle to the death with Sobe- makers of Life Water, and then finally the world would have only one choice to make, as to which manufacturer of a pointless water product they would like to donate their monopoly money to. I vote on making one universal pointless product called Dumpster Liquid.

Japanese names are so cool sounding. Shigatoshi Hasagawa, Nakada Nagaturu, Akira Kurosawa. American names are not. Clyde Davis, John Smith, Bodunk Fagass. I rest my case.

Cross-eyed people amaze me. Whenever I see someone and they’re noticably cross-eyed I think to myself… “Shit that sucks, I wonder if he thinks the world is all double, or if he thinks he’s just fucking nuts… anyway you look at it, good luck with the penis to vagina thing!!

I love when innocent signs that direct unknowing patrons to otherwise unknown locations for random shit goes wrong. Such as a simple sign that says: “Tool Sale”- and points the arrow in the general direction and gives an indefinite distance such as, just miles ahead. I’d like to do that sometime with a sign that says “Free Alcohol!”. I’d direct people to a barn where inside shelves and cases FULL of rubbing Alcohol would sit. A sign would accompany this that reads: “Rub One Out Free of Charge! Afterwards, Use This to sterilize your shit-for-brains.“

I watched a chubby bitch lay on a bar last night and lift up her shirt to deliver “body shots” to her friends. I realized something amazing. It’s that innate in some whore’s to attract scum-bag-dick that they forget they aren’t attractive. Sticking feathers in your butt does NOT make you a chicken. Putting alcohol in your navel and having friends suck it out does NOT not make you a whore.

Speaking of Dumpster Babies…

There are many things in this world that I hate and can’t stand; Dane Cook is absolutely one of them. Dane made is way onto the scene many years ago- circa 1998- in Harvard Square at a show called- To Catch a Rising Star- hosted at the time by comedian David Cross.
He has appeared on Comedy Central Presents and since then has had is own HBO Comedy Hour called Vicious Circle. That shit shoulda been called Vicious Diarrhea. He has also been awarded the rolls in over 15 films- those all incorporating amazing performances of a “no talent ass-clown.”

My personal favorite has got to be Employee of the Month which he co-starred in with actress/singer/songwriter/pig-blower/ass-chin/father-fucker, Jessica Simpson. Ohhhh the chemistry those two shared on screen. I’d compare it to that time I took a dump in my pants and proceeded to see how long it would take my ass cheeks to chafe from pure McDonald’s waste. That was some great chemistry between me and my ass!

There was also that movie he starred in with Jessica Alba this past summer…what was that called? I’m gay don’t worry about it? Shit, I don’t remember. In any event, that movie was probably equally as awesome and I’m sure they had some hot, steamy, wet, tea after those script readings.

Aside from his movie career as of late, I just don’t get it . I don’t think he’s funny. I think drunk people who can barely speak are funnier than him. I see drunk tards’ all the time at my local bar who I’d much rather stand aside from and laugh to their face at than listen to Dane Cook. Waiting was a perfect example of this. His entire roll in that movie is to be the punk, smart-ass, prep-cook who likes to fuck with people’s food. I think the only thing he said in that entire movie of any substance was “Fuck yeah…”

He made his start in stand-up. I’m not gonna say that I didn’t laugh at his first Comedy Central Presents, cause’ I did. However, after further review and multiple airings of that special, I realize now what I actually was laughing at was how fuckin’ retarded he actually is. Anybody can stand up in front of a buncha’ drunk retards and spew on and on about how life sucks and how you “wish you had alien blood.” Wow, that took some deep thinking and clever writing prose to come up with a bit like that…”I WISH I HAD THAT. FUCK YEAH, ALIEN BLOOD. WEEE I’M A FUCKING RETARD!! AREN’T I HOT LADIES…TOO BAD I’M A FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE FAG!”

That brings me to another point. I don’t ever remember hearing of any celebrity who actually likes Dane Cook. Every column or any article I’ve ever seen regarding him talks about what a cock-sucker he is. I’m speaking figuratively of course, but this could also be takin’ literally I’m sure; *wink* *wink* Dane!

I just remembered a time I was driving to Oneonta and was listening to Rain Man on K-Rock. He had the opportunity to interview Dane Cook on the air a few months back. I never listened in, but Rain Man said he was a huge fuckin’ asshole. All I’m sayin’ is if Rain Man says something you better-well fucking believe it man!!

If any of you who are reading this post have ever seen the movie Mr. Brooks… how great was what happened to Dane Cook at the end of this movie? Oh man…I almost didn’t allow my g/f to rent this movie solely because he was in it. Boy was I happy I let her do it. I was smiling the rest of the week over that one. For all of you who haven’t seen that movie; I highly recommend it. It’s somewhat suspenseful, Kevin Costner plays a pretty good creepy, rich, serial killer, and of course what happens to Dane Cook at the end is “mastercard priceless.”

Plain and simple…Dane Cook is a complete Dumpster Baby.

Pubic Hair’s, Scissors, Fat People

 

W ell first off I don’t wanna disappoint anyone but this post doesn’t really have anything to do with pubic hairs, cutting of pubic hairs (though I could tell an interesting story) or eating them. Actually, it doesn’t really have anything to do with fat people either. I was just gonna spew about my recent haircut and the erroneous conversation that always accompanies this act and while writing the title, “pubic hair,” fat people,” and “scissors” just seemed to gel.

I basically hate talking while I’m getting my hair cut. Secondly, I don’t understand why the person cutting your hair thinks that you actually want to talk to them. Maybe I’m just an asshole, but motherfucker, I don’t wanna talk to you. I wanna get my damn hair cut, pay you your outrageous flat rate for my “male cut” and be on my way. It usually starts with something like this:

Hair stylist: “Well the sun is finally coming out now. Isn’t that nice?”

Me: “Yeeup.”

Hair stylist: “What’s new? Anything? How’s work?”

Me: “Work’s alright.” (I want to say, “Fuck you! Work sucks my balls bitch. How’s your work? You like cutting hair every day? Each and every fucking day of the week? I bet some people have lice don’t they? I bet you wanna fucking chop their heads off when they do don’t you? Good now let me fart in piece. *Farrrrttttttttttt*

The whole act of talking while your getting something done to you that physically can’t be stopped (ie. hair growing, tumor removal surgery, abortion scraping) just pisses me off. I don’t wanna be there, and I’m sure you don’t either. But it’s your job, so shut the fuck up and do it. When you’re done, I’ll either be pleased or displeased (in the event that your tumor removal or abortion scraping surgery had some complicated malfunction or inadvertent failure that results in terminal infection- dead,) and be on my way. End of story, end of thought.

PS- I just remembered where the “fat people” came from in my brain while I was writing the title of this post.

While my g/f and I were enjoying a casual lunch at a local eatery/cafe this enormous bitch walks in. The kind of enormous where both legs can’t establish their own “zone” kinda shit…you know what I’m talkin’ about… She proceeds to ask the chef something. They were on a first name basis. I thought to myself, “Damn she’s fuckin’ fat. She knows the chef too. Not surprised. I bet she’s getting a second lunch. Stupid fat ass.