Shut Up & Suck It!

If there’s one thing I know how to do well it’s gettin’ mah’ cock sucked. I mean shit, all I need is this fucking gun. No charm, no manors, no nuthin’. Just good old nickel-plated steel at my finger tips and VOILA! My dick’s gettin’ sucked. I laugh at all those scum bags who sit in bars all night slammin’ on jizz-juice waitin’ for that stupid tranny-whore to give their dick a lick… if they only knew what I know… how to get a dick sucked!

Like just the other day some douche bag in the subway leans over to me and says…

“Man I wish I could get a girl… You look like an attractive guy, how do I get a girl to like me?”

“Well shit man, you want your dick sucked or you want a relationship, or both? Cause I hate relationships, I just like mouth on my cock. That’s easy. Go to your local shop, pick up a 9mm, and PRESTO! OPERATION DICK SUCK! If you’re talkin’ relationship, I don’t know much about that. Been about 15 yrs since I had me my last relationship. And that was with a dirt-devil, so you don’t want my advice on that subject.

The guy looked a little puzzled at me and that was that. I mean fuck, I can’t MAKE somebody want to get their dick sucked, it only comes naturally I guess.

The greatest story I have about a dick suckin’ was at a party I was at about 2 yrs ago- when I first got the idea to use hard-nosed survival dick-suckin’ tactics.

This bitch comes up to me right? She’s all like: “Why don’t you have a g/f?” To which I respond with: “Cause I hate women. I just like my dick sucked.” “Dont you think that’s degrading to women?” She replies. “No.” I say. “I don’t think so. I don’t discriminate dick- suckers. Guy’s, girls, whores, fags, dogs, cats, fruit, jews… they’re all the same. They got a mouth, they can taste this dick!”

Needless to say, she didn’t stick around for the rest of that convo. I guess she’s “one of those” who doesn’t suck it. Whatever, she’ll go to hell when she dies. No skin off my bone.

Later that night I find this sweet pellet gun in my buddies bedroom nightstand next to his condoms. I’m thinkin’… “why is THIS in here?” Than it hits me like a tonsil on a mushroom… You have to MAKE the bitch want the dick!

From that point on, I have had NO PROBLEMO gettin’ me cocko’ sucked! Mark my words; I live in Heaven!

To all you dudes and she-males out there who like the feelin’ of nice, warm, wet mouth on your cock… get yourself I nice trusty, solid-steel, worm burner. The options are endless… skinny, fat, white, black, Hispanic, oriental, Asian, WHATEVER! The sky, jail, cops, and daylight’s the limit! Get it sucked to your heart’s content.

But always remember: Afterwards, if she/he asks for your number… brandish her/him in the side of the head with your weapon and run! No one needs a relationship to fuck up that freedom you’re about to experience. Go on. Live your life. Now with a chip on your shoulder and a gun your pocket. The world is yours and your dick’s getting it sucked one day at a time!

editorial by: Vince Vegas.

Mr. Vegas writes out of his local Green Bistro Dumpster labeled “Sexy Time”

Now On the Market for Bro’s

My name’s Earl and I totally realize now why queers like dudes. I’m sick of my honkin’ wife. What a fuckin’ bitch. She won’t even clean the lint out my belly no more. Fuckin’ whore. I sometimes wish she was a dude. Then we could totally do all sortsa shit together and not have to worry about that male-female, counterpart, Adam and Eve, serpent horeshit. We could just sit around, watch Nascar, football, monster truck rally’s, whatever we want…and fuck! Shit man, no strings attached; no emotions, no tears…well maybe a few. Just good ol’ bro’s hangin’ out and fuckin’.

I could totally get over that whole male-on-male nausea. I only fuck my wife in the ass now anyway. Ever since that shit kid of ours’ head got jammed in the ol’ birth hole, she swore she’d never let another piece of man-meat touch her lower lips. Fuckin’ whore. Now I just put it in her ass and pretend she’s my best friend Tucker.

Oh the good times that fuckin’ asshole and I have. Why can’t my wife be Tucker? Her ass sure as hell ain’t Tucker’s. She don’t cut logs all day and load em into the back of that red, duel-wheeled, twin-cab hemi like Tucker. I bet she don’t even know what Hemi means. Fuckin’ whore. Tucker does. I’d have him screamin’ Hemi all night…if you know what I mean.

At BOCES me and some other dudes used to get together after school and watch porn and jerk off together. No we ain’t fuckin’ queers, we just figured it’s better than bein’ alone. Male bonding is the best after school activity. We just stepped it up a notch or two and made it a free-for-all, dude jerk-fest. I once beat Tucker’s record of 10 straight baby-batter loads in 10 minutes. That fuckin’ asshole. Man he could jerk a dick. Anybody wantin’ to learn a thing er two about jerkin’ should call up my buddy Tucker. His number can be found in the Yellow Pages under “Loggers & Hoggers.”

Yeah I’m definitely on the market now for Bro’s. Anybody wantin’ a real down-to-earth, handy-man call up Earl. I work hard, play harder and don’t give no back-talk. I fuck good and know what a Bro wants. Sex, drugs and rock & roll are my life and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let some stupid whore-wife fuck that all up fer me. Let’s get to know each other and become great friends and even better Bro’s. I don’t mind switchin’ it up and takin’ it either. I love to give it, but as long as you don’t sound like my cunt wife and ask me to put the toilet seat down after ass-makin’ you and me could have a long, bright friendship ahead of us.

Get err done!

Call me up! (555-555-5555)
Internet Mail me: brosainthoes@stinkdick.cum