Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Doesn’t cottage cheese kind of look like the worlds largest and most disgusting load of baby batter you’ve ever seen? It looks like Jesus took a day off, went to a novelty lounge, scrounged for some hot ass and dumped the worlds largest load EVER in a bowl. MMMM it’s rich and creamy and my stomach craves it! Thanks Jesus!

I love when you see someone that’s so drunk you can actually tell what they’re thining just from studying their facial expressions. My personal favorite is the “Ugh, I’m too drunk to stand, I wish I could just make it to the bathroom to hurl all over myself and whatever stupid CUNT is in there! Ugh, if only I could get my one foot in front of the other and end it all. End my fucking life. God damnit why can’t I get laid? Shit i’m fucking pathetic. I’ll just keep drinking until I can’t feel myself. Until I no longer breathe. I hope I just wake up tomorrow and I don’t have a clue where I am. Wait, oh yeah, here it comes, BLAHHHHHFFGHTELRJFOW!!! Whelp…time to go…” That’s got to be my favorite facial expression of ALL TIME!

I think it would be kind of cool for our dollar to completely reverse places in the world’s currency exchange. Like how the Japanese Yen is like 1,000 yen to our  $1 USD. I’d much rather have $1,000 USD that equal 1 Yen. Then we would totally have more. Isn’t bigger better? Yah that’s right. I’ll be president some day. Or at least the voice inside my ass thinks so.

Some blues is cool. Some blues is dumpster; and by dumpster- I mean some stupid chick pretending she’s got a bad-ass voice while she spews diahrrea out of her mouth. That kind of blues belongs in the speakers of rest stop stalls. 

I recently had three guys tell me @ work in Mickey’s Place, Cooperstown NY, that they wanted engraved bats. All three wanted the same engraving: “Roid To Heaven, Coops 2008.” What in the FUCK does that even mean? Either A) They’re retarded, B) They’ve never heard of word association, or C) They’re fuckin’ retarded. Not to mention I also recently had to engrave a Fraternity Bat with the year and initials of the pledges. I wanted to make that bat just about as much as I would like fire to blow out of each hole in my body while my skin slowly started to melt and fall off my disintigrating bones. Fuckin’ Fags. I hope they took turns slowly inserting and rotating that bat as far up each others’ asses as humanly possible; afterwards, they’re insides rotted from AIDS. Yeah I think it’s fair to say I think they sucked.

On that happy note, I’d like to take the time to wish everybody a happy weekend and a fun April Fools day to come! Don’t forget the all-too-familiar plastic-wrap-on-the-toilet- seat-trick. Gag, that’s a hoot! I just hope mom doesn’t punch me in the face again this year…

Forecast: Hot and Steamy With A Chance of Erection

Mom-aa!! *suck suck suck*

Shut Up & Suck It!

If there’s one thing I know how to do well it’s gettin’ mah’ cock sucked. I mean shit, all I need is this fucking gun. No charm, no manors, no nuthin’. Just good old nickel-plated steel at my finger tips and VOILA! My dick’s gettin’ sucked. I laugh at all those scum bags who sit in bars all night slammin’ on jizz-juice waitin’ for that stupid tranny-whore to give their dick a lick… if they only knew what I know… how to get a dick sucked!

Like just the other day some douche bag in the subway leans over to me and says…

“Man I wish I could get a girl… You look like an attractive guy, how do I get a girl to like me?”

“Well shit man, you want your dick sucked or you want a relationship, or both? Cause I hate relationships, I just like mouth on my cock. That’s easy. Go to your local shop, pick up a 9mm, and PRESTO! OPERATION DICK SUCK! If you’re talkin’ relationship, I don’t know much about that. Been about 15 yrs since I had me my last relationship. And that was with a dirt-devil, so you don’t want my advice on that subject.

The guy looked a little puzzled at me and that was that. I mean fuck, I can’t MAKE somebody want to get their dick sucked, it only comes naturally I guess.

The greatest story I have about a dick suckin’ was at a party I was at about 2 yrs ago- when I first got the idea to use hard-nosed survival dick-suckin’ tactics.

This bitch comes up to me right? She’s all like: “Why don’t you have a g/f?” To which I respond with: “Cause I hate women. I just like my dick sucked.” “Dont you think that’s degrading to women?” She replies. “No.” I say. “I don’t think so. I don’t discriminate dick- suckers. Guy’s, girls, whores, fags, dogs, cats, fruit, jews… they’re all the same. They got a mouth, they can taste this dick!”

Needless to say, she didn’t stick around for the rest of that convo. I guess she’s “one of those” who doesn’t suck it. Whatever, she’ll go to hell when she dies. No skin off my bone.

Later that night I find this sweet pellet gun in my buddies bedroom nightstand next to his condoms. I’m thinkin’… “why is THIS in here?” Than it hits me like a tonsil on a mushroom… You have to MAKE the bitch want the dick!

From that point on, I have had NO PROBLEMO gettin’ me cocko’ sucked! Mark my words; I live in Heaven!

To all you dudes and she-males out there who like the feelin’ of nice, warm, wet mouth on your cock… get yourself I nice trusty, solid-steel, worm burner. The options are endless… skinny, fat, white, black, Hispanic, oriental, Asian, WHATEVER! The sky, jail, cops, and daylight’s the limit! Get it sucked to your heart’s content.

But always remember: Afterwards, if she/he asks for your number… brandish her/him in the side of the head with your weapon and run! No one needs a relationship to fuck up that freedom you’re about to experience. Go on. Live your life. Now with a chip on your shoulder and a gun your pocket. The world is yours and your dick’s getting it sucked one day at a time!

editorial by: Vince Vegas.

Mr. Vegas writes out of his local Green Bistro Dumpster labeled “Sexy Time”

Weird-Al-Wank-A-Bitch Meets Fourty-Seven Chromosomes

I just recently had a guy tell me he had no idea what make of car his rental was when he checked in. I find this not only unbelievable, but particularly representative of how the world works. Either this dude had no short term memory, like Leonard from the all-to-familiar movie of Memento, he was retarded, or he simply just doesn’t give a fuck about money, what he’s doing, where he’s going, or who he is. I don’t care how much money somebody makes, or where they come from, but to simply not notice, or care about simple details in life like, what fucking make or model of the rental your spending hundreds of dollars on is, is just disgusting. I’m glad I’m not that nieve and blahze about the minor details in my life – such as how huge shit can come out of my ass and A) why it doesn’t hurt, B) its amazing ability to camouflage itself with its environment.

I wish Glaceau- makers of Vitamin Water, would battle to the death with Sobe- makers of Life Water, and then finally the world would have only one choice to make, as to which manufacturer of a pointless water product they would like to donate their monopoly money to. I vote on making one universal pointless product called Dumpster Liquid.

Japanese names are so cool sounding. Shigatoshi Hasagawa, Nakada Nagaturu, Akira Kurosawa. American names are not. Clyde Davis, John Smith, Bodunk Fagass. I rest my case.

Cross-eyed people amaze me. Whenever I see someone and they’re noticably cross-eyed I think to myself… “Shit that sucks, I wonder if he thinks the world is all double, or if he thinks he’s just fucking nuts… anyway you look at it, good luck with the penis to vagina thing!!

I love when innocent signs that direct unknowing patrons to otherwise unknown locations for random shit goes wrong. Such as a simple sign that says: “Tool Sale”- and points the arrow in the general direction and gives an indefinite distance such as, just miles ahead. I’d like to do that sometime with a sign that says “Free Alcohol!”. I’d direct people to a barn where inside shelves and cases FULL of rubbing Alcohol would sit. A sign would accompany this that reads: “Rub One Out Free of Charge! Afterwards, Use This to sterilize your shit-for-brains.“

I watched a chubby bitch lay on a bar last night and lift up her shirt to deliver “body shots” to her friends. I realized something amazing. It’s that innate in some whore’s to attract scum-bag-dick that they forget they aren’t attractive. Sticking feathers in your butt does NOT make you a chicken. Putting alcohol in your navel and having friends suck it out does NOT not make you a whore.